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Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Time To Catch My Breath ~ Home Sweet Home

Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.
Marlin: Dory, no singing.
Dory: [continuing] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ho. I love to swim. When you want to swim you want to swim.
Marlin: Now I'm stuck with that song... Now it's in my head.
Dory: Sorry. 

Weeks of poor sleep pattern and bad dreams are a recipe for a very cracky and short tempered person.

Every where I turn I see some sort of challenge, slowly the view becomes obscured (like a layer of morning mist) and I am too tired to discern whether I see Prince Charming coming or to gauge how long before the dawn comes as I lay in bed wide awake some nights.

Three people keep showing up in my dreams, two are dead to me and one is very much alive. I don't need to sit with a genius to understand why they are there or what they represent in my life. I know, for a fact that if life would have worked out a bit differently there would have been times where all three of them would have been together at the same place (maybe not a very good idea).

And mind you this actually did happened a few years back, two of them were there at my first wedding as a bridesmaid. Until today I can't recall how they were invited.There were not from the common group of friends and there were not even from the same country. You must be joking, among hundreds of guest, both of them ended up sitting next to each other.

The music started playing in the background, my cue to start walking down the aisle, there they were both standing looking at me side by side, each gave me a wide smile, it was a truely awkward moment, thank goodness I did not trip and fell on my face. Deep down I know one was ready to punch and the other will not hold back the attack. I was praying that they don't start a scene, the very last thing I wanted was for them to act like boys and destroy the wedding. This is the reason why you never invite an Ex to your wedding (or any wedding).

I guess there would have been more than one occasion for us to gather seperately (reunion) and it would have made me very happy to catch up but for some strange reason, them being invited to "my friend's wedding" at the same time has indeed made me a tiny bit uncomfortable.

I have attended a few other weddings alone since then. This time round it would be my very best friend aka twin sister wedding. Once again one of them will be there, that is not how it should be and I am not crying over it. I may be a dreamer and someone who believes that dreams can become reality, but I am also practical. I live in my current reality and I understand exactly what is happening. Is this fate, destiny or revenge? I have this strange feeling he is bringing a plus one. But isn't that what I wanted, for them to move on ... to find their happiness and leave me alone? ... well yes ... but not in front of my face.

I am not going to be given time to catch my breath during this trip. Oh well life isn't going to stop anyway. It doesn't matter how loudly I yell or how hard I try to force it to be otherwise, I can't make things happen the way I want (unless it is my own wedding of course). All I can do is enjoy my birthday, try to make the most out of wedding the next day and  rush home to spend quality time with my family. Tonight I better start packing, tomorrow I shall make a few smart decisions and the wedding speech will hopefully be the topic of my discussion next week.


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