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Monday, 5 September 2011

The Bench in the Park

I am very excited and I have a very interesting story to share this week. It has to do with this particular spot in the park which I stumble across after a long run around the Tan on a Monday morning. I was tired and thirsty and wanted to go home to prepare for work but the holy spirit prompted me to walk to the park gates down the hill and I found this huge tree with the city skyline at the backdrop. There was no one around, I sat there alone, quiet and cold. Looking at the tree it help my mind uncluttered itself and make room for new thoughts. It instantly became my favourite spot to chill and listen to God. (Aug 15)

All this happened on during Deeper, fasting and exercise. There was so much going on in my life that I had to start my running routine to clear my mind. To focus my attention on being productive and to remind myself to inspire others. I can feel spring is here, I just want to go outside (just like dogs need to go for a daily walk). Sunshine, fresh air and nature always do miracles for me. Running is the best time to think but walking and sitting in the park brings some magical peace and quiet into my mind. Helps me sort all my thoughts out. 

During deeper, I practise media detox (spend my evenings without TV dramas, spend some time doing nothing, giving God an opportunity to get closer to my life), take a hot shower after a long day at work and climb into bed for my devotional readings. For the first time I change my diet, fasting one meal a day help me achieve balance and moderation. My mind stop becoming lazy and I am less tired, sleepy and slothful.

Friends started to notice said I look different (lost weight, happy, glowing). I feel good and energise everyday that I decided to reward myself by getting a massage at a spa at least once a month (it is a good practise).

In summary I used three simple tips mentioned above – a nice relaxing day in the park (with a book), quick jog in the morning (with my Ipod) and expressive writing.

Continuing with the story, as usual after one of those long tiring day, I was having drinks with close friends, he look across the table at me, he gave me a weird look, I smile back and he approach me. He can tell something was definitely bothering me that night and he wanted to talk about it outside. He drag me outside and I reluctantly followed and left the group wondering what happened.

He asked me why I can’t look him in the eyes. Because I know my eyes can't lie. 
If I look at you I feel like giving you a hug ( for support, comfort, and consolation)
If I look at you I want to ask “Can you borrow me your shoulder to cry on?" 

Tired, hungry and after a few drinks, he force me to confront him. To tell him what is going on inside my mind. 
Why did you have to force it out that night in front of the friends that I cherish so much? I feel so stupid to breakdown in front of them, spoiling everyone's evening. I am sorry that all fingers pointed at you at the table. It was not entirely your fault. You think those needy girls are difficult at less they are true to themselves, they don’t hide their feelings.

Thank you for standing with me while Shiv hail a cab to take us home.
She said I look so cute sitting on your lap while you were holding on to me.
Thank you for coming over to pick me up the next morning, my phone was off but I was awake and heard you knock the front door. I went home and wash up and went to service to listen to God’s message on Eternity (twice). How everything in this world is temporary and full of distractions.

Being a confident woman and trying to stay strong can be more mess up than others. Stepping up as a leader takes courage and a lot of effort (time invested). But I have no regrets with all tears and pain (sacrifices and disappointments) I have been through over the years it made me stronger. I know God plan these hurdles to prepare me for a much bigger purpose. Not a day I ask God for MORE or anything different in my life. I am that grateful and blessed. I trust in him although I am so fragile I can't go any further. Is this why I occupy myself with distractions so I do not need to face what is coming? What am I afraid of?

“Life has innumerable distractions in it. Some distractions are good distractions . These distractions are the ones that take your mind off the burdens of life. Some distractions are bad ones. These distractions are the ones that separate you from the love and care of God. As much as you want to stay focused on God and what He wants from you…there are always distractions that take you away from His presence. When you are distracted and realise it, just remember it is simply human to be distracted, and God understands as long as your heart and will are in the right place. It is God’s will that when you are pulled away from Him that you not be content or apathetic about being pulled away. It is God’s will that you be a warrior of the faith and defend your inner "turf" of the heart against the wiles and distractions thrown at you by the devil.

It's fascinating how one can tell when there is a connection between two individuals. Some say sparks, some say your eyes lights up, others say you smile from within.

I agree words, actions, thoughts; even a smile would give you away so quickly when you developed feeling for someone. Just a simple hi in the morning and good night before go to bed can be priceless.

Is it true, that the more I avoid the more it is obvious to everyone.
Can't a man and a woman be good friends? Why does human complicates friendship and relationship? I just want to spend quality time with him get to know him, support him and care for him. Is it that difficult? Can't others give us some space?

Many are curious now, close friends can tell. There is no hiding it.

Oh Lord what should I do? What is holding me back? Every time I happily take one step forward something would occur/ someone would block the path and I have to step back or stop. I enjoy seeing him happy, hearing him laugh, looking at him cheering for his team, how he smile shyly at me.
I like it when he can relax around me and be himself without troubles or worries. Not to be his burden. That's all that matters. Is that not too much to ask, do we really have to pour our emotions out and profess to everyone?

I trust in you Lord to guide me and tell me what to do.

After the service and lunch, I quietly slip away from the group and went to my personal spot in the park. It is Fathers Day (Sept 4) Sunday, families were having picnic, children and dogs were running around happily. I place the mat down, sat on the grass and reading my book, gazing at the skies, listening to some music, and finally shutting my eyes. I was so calm and peaceful again.

I sense the cold wind and the clouds started bring a few drops of rain. I packed up and as I was folding the mat, I notice a something shiny on the bench. I have sat on this bench numerous times over the weeks and I did not notice each bench bears words of remembrance engraved into shiny brass plaques. I had my back turn on the bench every time but on this day God open my eyes show me what he wants me to see or should I say what I needed to see. The plaque on the bench was donated in loving memory of a young boy. If no one was around the park that day I wanted to shout on top of my lungs but instead I whisper softly “you will always be special to me”  (Dolly Parton song start ringing in my ears)

Where was I in 2004? What was I doing? Was this mere coincidence? Was God sending me a message? To cherish and love without fear cause my life in this world is temporary. As I was reading John 3:1-21 (believe in God, anyone can have a whole and lasting life) in the car, he gave me a call to see how I was doing.

God place him in my life for a good reason, I can clearly see his love, reverence, obedience, honor, gratitude and supreme affection towards God. I pray others will notice and follow his footsteps.
I don't want my emotions to deceive your purpose, God. It is really hard to control. Every day I wake up and tell myself to take one step at a time (small step if needed) stay confident, be a joy to other people (they need it) and I will be alright to last till the end of the day. The only time I can rest, feel safe and comfortable. No dramatic life issues to worry. Just go home climb under the blanket holding my pillow in bed alone without others judging or expecting anything from me.

Restless in South Yarra
Gosh August flew pass in front of me,everything move so fast
I haven't had time edit or publish my last 6 weeks of posts.